


The Kitten Assassin

by lola381pce



Series: Imagine Clint Coulson Prompts [5]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Ceiling Vent Kitten, ImagineClintCoulson, Jasper is done with Coulson's Kitten's Shit, Just Add Kittens, Kitten Assassin, M/M, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Phil Coulson Has the Patience of a Saint, So are the baby agents, The Badass and the Smartass, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-15 19:43:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10556646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lola381pce/pseuds/lola381pce
Summary: For an anonymous Imagine Clint Coulson prompt:I've been seeing those sweaters designed to carry a cat in the pocket and it got me thinking. Imagine Clint gets turned into a kitten and gets taken in by this kind blue eyed dude in glasses not realising Phil is a SHIELD agent... who was tracking down hawkeye until he mysteriously disappeared two weeks ago





	

**Author's Note:**

> We are always accepting new prompts at our tumblr account, so feel free to drop by with a little headcanon or ask.

Coulson was on the rooftop where ‘Hawkeye’ aka Clinton Francis Barton, had last been seen two weeks previously. He’d been on his way home when he got the insane urge to visit the place again and try to work out how the marksman had succeeded and he’d failed, both so spectacularly.

After running his hand through his wet hair and wiping the raindrops from his eyes, he settled into a sniper’s stance against the low wall peering into the distance with his spotter’s scope through the steady drizzle. He could only just make out the window of the building where the archer had eliminated the mark -- SHIELD’s mark dammit! -- in similar conditions. Coulson had received long range target training during his time in the Rangers and was considered to be pretty good but he knew, without doubt, he couldn’t have made the shot; not even on his best day. Once again it proved the archer was everything that was rumoured about him… and more. Hence the reason Fury, and now Coulson, wanted him so badly.

Ignoring the rain trickling down his face and soaking through his suit, he stood for another few moments thinking about what could have been. He’d been so close this time with three teams just minutes away from the location on their own op to capture and interrogate the target Barton had claimed, and two quinjets hovering nearby as backup. But the ‘World’s Greatest Marksman’ had slipped away from him yet again.

Sighing, he made his way down the exterior fire escape from the rooftop to the alley below as Hawkeye’s most recent disappearing act played through his head. Surprisingly, the archer had left his bow and quiver on the rooftop along with his clothes and, what appeared to be hearing aids. He’d been known to leave the rest (except the aids which was a new fact for his file) but never the bow. Coulson paused in the alley way, his brow furrowed in concentration as he tried to make sense of the information.

And he probably would have stood there a lot longer were it not for a pathetic little mew that came unexpectedly from his feet. Still frowning he looked down at the source of the sound; a kitten. A small, bedraggled kitten with dirty blonde fur sticking up in all directions and a fresh scratch across its nose sat in a puddle by his feet gazing up at him with huge sorrowful eyes, their colour an unusual mix of blue/green/grey. As they stared at each other, it mewed at him again, this time a little stronger and certainly more insistent.

Huh!

Against his better judgement, Coulson crouched down in front of the scruffy feline holding out his forefinger for it to scent him. The kitten nose-bumped him then shoved the corner of its mouth against his pad rubbing its cheek and face along the length of his finger. Coulson was surprised by the strength behind it and behind the loud purr it had begun to make.

“Where did you come from?” he said softly to it rubbing gently between the ears with this fingertip. The purr grew into a deep, throaty rumble as Coulson continued. The senior agent had obviously found a sweet spot.

He scanned the alley while he scratched the kitten’s head, the little animal arching into his touch. Seeing nothing that made him believe there was a mother cat or more kittens, he looked at it again. It stared back at him with a hint of defiance. Despite himself, the corner of Coulson’s mouth turned up in amusement.

“Sorry, little guy. Can’t take you with me.”

The kitten glared at him and gave him a baleful wail as if understanding his words. The SHIELD agent was renowned within the organisation for being a cool, unflappable badass but those who knew him personally were aware he had a heart larger than most and the kitten’s sorry cries and dishevelled state tugged at its strings.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he protested. “I don’t lead a life that lends itself well to kittens… or cats. Or plants even. Actually especially plants.” Apparently the kitten was unconvinced by his argument and began to yell at him in a series of non-stop meows.

Coulson rolled his eyes and sighed. Badass or not he knew when he was beaten.

“Okay. I’ll take you with me tonight but… tomorrow I drop you off at the shelter.”

He scooped the little animal into the palm of his hand and wondered what to do with it next. The kitten made the decision for him by scampering up the sleeve of his rain-soaked jacket and onto his shoulder where it nuzzled against his neck before settling itself into a comfortable position gripping on with its tiny claws.

“Smartass,” he told it softly with the beginnings of a smile. Whoever adopted this little guy was in for some serious trouble. He felt sorry for them already.

***

So Coulson the badass took kitten the smartass home and by the end of the first hour was desperately wishing he’d taken it to the shelter when he found it. His early finish (for early read 19:00hrs) and quiet night at home was not off to a good start.

He’d stopped off at his local grocery store to pick up some bits and pieces to find the kitten, which he thought he’d left in the car for the couple of minutes he’d be away, was actually in his pocket thanks to some odd looks from the store owner as it poked its head out from its covert location. He ducked his head and gave the store owner a bashful grin as he paid for his purchases.

And from there it continued to go downhill rapidly...

As he needed a shower thanks to being soaked through from his time on the roof, he figured the cat could probably do with a bath along with some flea / worming treatment. Yeah, those scratches weren't going to heal anytime soon; his hands and right eyebrow were still smarting.

When he tried to work on his laptop, the kitten lay on the keyboard gazing up at him swatting his hands while he tried to type; or it rolled around and chewed on the ends of his paperwork as he attempt to read it. Neither activity was particularly helpful with the preparation for his briefing tomorrow.

At one point, just when the thought things had quietened down, the kitten seemed to take a hissy fit and ran round the living room as though the devil himself were after it. Coulson could only watch in amused concern at its antics totally ignoring his briefing on the screen before him. Suddenly, mid-dash, the kitten whipped its head round and fixed Coulson with a wide-eyed stare of unhinged terror which, truth be told, kinda freaked the senior agent out for a moment.

The final straw came when Coulson tried to drink his coffee and had to wrestle the kitten from attempting to dunk its head in his mug as it leaned over to inhale the fumes.

“Oh _hell_ no! Caffeine’s the last thing you need,” Coulson told the animal as he lifted it from the rim. The kitten squeaked at him then began to yell indignantly.

“Shout at me all you want… not happening.”

When he eventually did get some peace it occurred to him after a short while that things were just a little too quiet. And he was right. The kitten had managed to climb the curtain and was now folded in half over the curtain pole, dangling upside down. Trying not to laugh, he stood below it and with a gentle crooning voice encouraged it to drop into his arms. He carried the less than amused feline back to the living area with him.

Giving up all pretence at working, Coulson lay back on the couch and picked an episode of Dog Cops to watch -- although with his hyperactive furry friend, perhaps SuperNanny would have been a better idea. Still perhaps Sergeant Whiskers would teach it some good behaviour.

A few minutes after he settled himself into a comfy position, he was joined by the kitten. The little cat clambered onto the couch and crawled up his stomach to his chest where it stretched out and nuzzled into his neck. Coulson smiled. Within a few moments the deep, throaty rumble was back as he gently stroked between his ears with his fingertip. A few minutes after that both had fallen into a contented sleep.

***

“What the fuck...?” Sitwell choked, after doing a double take as Coulson slid into the passenger seat of the SUV with the kitten in his hand. He'd had offered to pick the SHIELD agent up the previous day for a carshare journey, one of Fury's social responsibility initiatives… from the man who had a helicarrier as his personal vehicle. Go figure.

“Kitten,” Coulson deadpanned. He'd lifted said little feline from his shoulder to enter the car but by the time he'd belted himself in, the kitten had tucked itself inside his jacket, nose against his neck, safe and warm where it promptly fell asleep.

Coulson and cute furry animals in the same sentence didn’t compute for the other SHIELD agent. Training rats and lizards during downtime in a safe house or in between beatings during capture... yeah he’d witnessed or heard about it, several times; then there was a psycho guard dog that one time that came to him for belly rubs and ear scritches… but endearing baby cats? No. No even close. If he took it back to HQ it might put a dent in that badass rep he had.

“Should I ask?”

“Probably not.”

Sitwell shook his head and put the car into drive before joining the traffic. “This job just gets weirder.”

Coulson nodded in response. “You’re telling me.”

***

As it happened Coulson’s badass reputation was only enhanced.

Aviators on, inscrutable expression in place, he strode into foyer of SHIELD HQ with the kitten riding on his shoulder as though nothing was amiss. Anyone who had the balls to ‘awww’ was glowered at by the kitten or swiped at by a very quick paw if they came too close. Water cooler rumours regarding Coulson’s “new recruit” and how he was training it to become some sort of kitten assassin were soon circulating and eventually the rumours reached the ears of the SHIELD Director himself.

“Door!”

“The fuck?” Directory Fury growled as he dodged a dirty-blonde streak of fur shooting past him.

Coulson sighed from behind his desk.

“He’ll be back… once he’s finished terrorising baby agents from the vents.”

“What?”

“Just wait. Is there something I can help you with, Director?”

Fury gave him his customary glare. “I thought Sitwell was joking. Then I heard the rumours about some new recruit you brought in. Thought I’d come and see for myself. And apparently it _is_ true. You have a goddamn _kitten_ in the building. Seriously, Cheese. _What_ the _fuck_?”

Coulson quietly sighed again. “This morning he pooped in my sock drawer; ate my one remaining plant; drank my coffee, hence the hyperactivity… I think, although it's difficult to tell - he was pretty much like this last night too; and... I couldn’t leave him at home.”

“Woah! Back up. _Why_ do you have a kitten at all? And since when did you say 'poop’?”

“Apparently since I got a kitten,” Coulson the badass replied a touch sadly.

“Oh! So you _got_ a kitten?”

“Semantics. The little smartass goes to the shelter after I finish here.”

Fury raised a disbelieving eyebrow knowing full well when the senior agent took something on, he didn’t abandon it. The kitten was his for life. “Uh-huh.”

As if on cue there was a sharp yell from down the hallway followed by a loud scream at which Phil got up from his chair and moved round to lean on the edge of his desk directly opposite the air vent and, incidentally, the Director.

“I suggest you move a little to the side and away from the couch.”

Fury's glare was replaced by a raised questioning eyebrow but nevertheless he did as Phil recommended and not a moment too soon.

There was the sound of nails scrabbling in the ceiling vent above them before a small pink nose appeared through the slot. Coulson stood below the vent and seconds later, a mass of blonde fur dropped into his waiting arms. The kitten clambered up to his neck where it nuzzled under his chin making a kind of chuckling noise before it moved into position on his shoulder to stare at the SHIELD Director. The kitten assassin had returned.

The two studied each other until the door was thrown open by an irate and unamused Jasper Sitwell.

“That's the third time, Coulson. The third fucking time that little shit has dropped out of the ceiling on top of the new recruits this morning. Keep your kitten under goddamned control. The little shit should be in a fucking circus. Director,” he said with a nod to the other man in a slightly calmer tone as he exited the room.

“Sitwell,” Fury acknowledged in return. When the door closed Fury let out a rich guffaw. “Keep him, Coulson. If a kitten can get the better of our newbies then we’re in serious trouble. Coulson?”

But the senior agent was lost in thought. Suddenly it all made sense. He pushed himself away from his desk

“I need you to come with me to medical. Right now.”

“Say _what_ now?”

“I believe I know where our missing archer is.”

“So… we’re… taking the kitten?”

“Wouldn't be nearly as much fun without him.”

***

The technician blanched as Coulson's fingertips tapped against his sidearm.

“I said… draw the blood _gently_. Make him cry again and you'll know what it feels like.” As always Coulson's voice was perfectly calm which made the threat even more chilling.

“Overreact much?” smirked Fury.

“You’ll thank me later.”

“And I’m looking for… _human_ DNA?” The tech was sceptical as he handed the puffed up growling kitten back to Coulson. He ran up to the senior agent’s arm and perched on his shoulder ears back, tail twitching as he glared at the tech.

“You’ve worked at SHIELD for seven years. You’re telling me _this_ is the strangest thing you’ve been asked to do?”

He didn’t have to think about it. “Human DNA it is then. Shall I call you with the results?”

The twin expressions of incredulity on both Coulson’s and Fury’s faces was enough. The tech blushed furiously and disappeared to set up the centrifuge; he was not having a good day.

“You’re _certain_ about this?” Fury asked as they left the lab; Fury in a swirl of soft leather, Coulson with a fluff of angry kitten.

“Certain? No. Pretty positive though. Too much was left behind at the scene. There’s been no sight nor sound of him for two weeks. And this furball has been here less than a day and has spent his time winding up SHIELD agents by dropping out of air vents. It’s too…”

Coulson shrugs his unoccupied shoulder.

“Fucked up?” the SHIELD Director supplies unhelpfully.

“I was going to say coincidental but… whatever works.”

“If you’re right, how you gonna get him back?”

“ _That_ , Director, I have no idea.”

“Then the kitten assassin's all yours until you figure it out. Should work as an incentive,” Fury chuckled as he headed back to his office.

“Sure. Laugh your ass off. He didn’t poop in your sock drawer.”

***

As it turned out there seemed to be a time limit binding the spell that turned the ‘World’s Greatest Marksman’ into the Triskellion’s scariest kitten. Or perhaps it was Coulson calling the little feline by his full human name in an aggrieved tone after finding him with his head in his mug of coffee for the fifth time that day. Or perhaps even it was the quick kiss Coulson planted on the kitten's tiny pink nose when he climbed onto the senior agent’s chest and nose-bumped his face. No-one would ever know for sure but...

...three days later while Coulson caught a nap on the couch with the kitten (DNA confirmed as human) curled on top of him, he woke with a numb arm and crushing feeling in his chest. Wondering if the heart attack that he feared would oneday happen was _actually_ happening he blinked awake to stare into a familiar pair of blue/green/grey eyes, only larger and in a human face, gazing down at him. Coulson had only seen grainy, blurred photos before now. It was kinda nice face even with the scratch across the bridge of his nose and the teasing smirk playing on his lips.

“Welcome to SHIELD, Mr Barton,” was Coulson’s opening gambit. He figured it could go one of two ways - Barton could accept his current situation or try to kill him. Either way remaining composed and in control was his best option.

“Smooth intro. So you’re the guy who’s been chasing me for the last ten months. I must be crushing you right now,” Clint told him not making much of an effort to move.

He could have been referring to the obscene number of times he’d escaped SHIELD’s clutches, or the fact he was lying bodily across the senior agent. It was open to interpretation really but Coulson decided it was probably the latter. However, even with the considerable size and weight difference between the kitten and the archer, he was finding he didn't mind it so much. In fact now that he knew his heart attack had been postponed for another day, he was actually quite enjoying it. Focus Coulson!

“I've led a strange life, Mr Barton. This is not the worst way I’ve been woken up.”

“This is not the worst place I’ve woken up,” Clint countered looking into Coulson’s unwavering blue eyes. He paused for a beat before asking, “I’ve taken a dump in your sock drawer and you still want me to come work for you?”

“You were a kitten at the time. I’ll try not to hold it against you,” Coulson deadpanned. Neither of them mentioned the fact that Barton was still stretched out on top of him completely naked with his dick pressing against Coulson’s thigh.

“Good to know.”

“Of course, if you’d been human I’d have more to say.”

“I imagine you would.”

“You also ate my one remaining plant.”

“But I puked it back up the next morning.”

“In my tie drawer.”

“Maybe I owe you some new socks.”

“Let’s not forget the ties.”

There was another pause in the conversation while the badass and the smartass stared at each other a little longer.

“We seem to be at an impasse,” Clint said finally.

“Apparently.”

“Why do you want me at SHIELD so bad?”

“You have an enviable skill set, Mr Barton. I'd rather you used it _for_ us than against us. You also seem to be taking the whole kitten thing in your stride. Another important quality when working for SHIELD.”

“This sorta thing happened often?” Clint asked, genuinely interested.

“You’re my first kitten… but we have a form for this kind of thing, yes.”

“Well, now I’m intrigued. Just so as you know, I have a problem with authority.”

“I had noticed, yes. And in the spirit of open communication, I have a problem with insubordinate smartasses. And having my coffee stolen.”

Clint laughed.

“I always was a sucker for kind blue eyes. Plus the glasses you wear at home suit you.”

“I'll bear that in mind, Mr Barton. So… you on board?”

“Well now, and it’s not that I’m not enjoying this, but I guess if you can get me some clothes you could consider me your Kitten Assassin, Senior Agent Coulson. But honestly? I’d prefer Hawkeye.”

“I’ll advise HR and I’ll see what I can do about the clothes. Welcome to SHIELD… Hawkeye.”


End file.
